Tuesday, 16th February, 2016
The Final Answer…
After another four week gruelling wait, my blood test results finally arrive from all corners of the world. It is the 3rd of February, a very cold and rainy day that almost seems ominous. It is a day that is going to determine the next course of events. It is a day that is going to change my destiny, forever. It is a day that shall never be forgotten.
With trembling hands and cold sweat running down my face, I slowly open the e-mail attachment that contains the path to my future. It is a strange and peculiar feeling, as I find myself almost hoping for the tests to be positive, yet at the same time, I also wish that I am proven wrong. Nothing can be changed now. It is these nine, black and white pages of paper that will decide my fate and show me the direction of my journey.
I stare painfully at the first page, unable to believe my eyes and the words that are written in front of me. A numb and cold feeling runs though my body almost to the point of fainting. My mind goes blank, unable to understand anything. With legs feeling like jelly, I stand there alone in a public toilet, for what seems to be an eternity. Finally, I come to my senses and rush out to find my mum.
Without giving any importance to the people around me, I scream at my mum telling her that I have tested positive for Lyme Disease. It is a strong positive, there is no ambiguity. I have Lyme Disease, there is now no doubt about it. I was correct all along. After all, how could the power of a woman’s intuition be proven wrong?
I spend the entire day mulling over these nine pages of results in a kind of stupor. There is a sense of ‘happiness’ and relief, but I also feel lost and sorrowful at the same time. There is a sense of satisfaction that I was right and everybody else was proven wrong, yet there is also a feeling of immense regret. I feel bitter that I had to fight to get a diagnosis and none of the people who were in a position to help me, came to my aid. My mind and my feelings seem to be caught in a whirlpool, a thousand questions come to my head for which, I can find no answers. I am left numb and lifeless.
That night, I find it incredibly difficult to fall asleep. My mind is once again churning out insane thoughts, which leave me scared and alone. All night long, I am haunted by the thought that I have Lyme Disease. A disease that will not only be difficult to treat, but one that will change my life forever and for the worse. These very thoughts fill me with grief and anxiety and cruelly make me shiver with fear.
With a heavy heart, I cry silently all night saying to myself that my fight to wellness has only just begun. No one knows how long this battle will be and whether or not it will be a successful one. I am left with no choice apart from courageously facing the long and hard journey in front of me.