Sunday, 10th April, 2016

A New Journey

As I looked out of the small oval shaped window, I felt relieved and at peace with myself. The calmness that surrounded me was something that I hadn’t experienced for a very long time. The anxiety that had been cruelly torturing me for the past year had suddenly vanished. For once, I was happy. There were no regrets and no tears. I had finally made the decision that had taken me so long to make. I was at long last, going for a consultation with one of the best Lyme Specialists in the world. There was no turning back now. It was a mere 8 hours that separated me from reaching my destination. Crossing the Atlantic Ocean had never before seemed so important or historic.

My thoughts are broken by the ringing of my mobile. It is my mum, who is once again calling me to make sure that I am OK. “Is everything alright, you’re not having a panic attack, are you?” I assure her that I am fine and not feeling anxious at all. She sounds relieved and tells me to be brave, have faith and not to lose hope. I nod my head and confidently answer back, “yes, this time I really do think that everything will go well.” She wishes me a pleasant flight and gives me a big ‘virtual’ hug before putting the phone down.

Throughout the flight, my husband holds my hand and looks after me as if I were a baby. I am continuously asked whether I am OK and if I need anything. “You’re not feeling uneasy, are you?” I just simply smile back and say that everything is fine. “Don’t worry, it’s only a short flight and it will soon be over,” I am reassured once again.

Without even knowing, the hours pass by quickly. All around me, the passengers are either engrossed in their in-flight entertainment or are fast asleep in a deep slumber including my husband, who is quietly snoring away. I sit back and mull over the events of the past year. It had been a very long year filled with failed treatments, disappointment and hopelessness. I was now in a much worse shape than I had been 9 months ago. I feel angry at myself for having made so many mistakes and ruining my health in the process. “If only I had made this journey at the beginning of the year,” I regretfully say to myself.

During the last hour of the flight, the hard airplane seat starts to hurt my spine. My back and hips feel incredibly sore and my legs and thighs feel tight and lead like. The stiffness in my neck feels painful and is in agony. The buzzing and vibrating starts again all over my body and I am unable to find a comfortable position to get some relief. The air in the plane feels stale and I start to feel suffocated. I need to get up but feel scared that I won’t be able to walk. It will be such an embarrassment if a seemingly ‘healthy’ individual is seen hobbling around the plane. I decide to remain seated.

Despite the physical pain that I endured during the long flight, my mind however was calm and composed. Like a little child, I was filled with excitement but nervousness at the same time. I was desperately looking forward to my consultation and meeting with the ‘Man’ who would solve my problems and give me the answers that I was trying so hard to find. I was hopeful and felt a strong determination that I would make this work, no matter what happens. A feeling of euphoria surrounded me. I felt extremely positive.

As we prepared for landing, my heart felt heavy and my eyes filled up with tears. A journey that had previously been made countless times before for both work and leisure was now being made to save my life. It is a voyage that shall never be forgotten for after so many hurdles and much deliberation I had finally made it!

 

 

 

 

 

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4 comments on “A New Journey”

  1. Steve W says:

    I remember my first trip equally as well. But I was more nervous. I had a window seat and I kept looking out at the Atlantic. Seeing the icebergs as small dots helped put things in perspective. Arrival at the hotel (after a very obstructive immigration experience) was when it all hit me. After the first consult I felt I was seeing the right people.

    1. Shalina says:

      Here’s hoping that we both get well! I know we’re seeing the right people, it’s just a matter of time! Best wishes, S

  2. Suz K x says:

    Same experience as me Shalina, totally surreal and saddening yet also exciting – the trip of all trips to change our course forever x

    1. Shalina says:

      Indeed! Hope that this new journey brings you better health and remission from this awful disease. Best wishes!

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